Saying, “Yes,” to life means also having to say, “No,” at times. Requests of us can be small — “Do you want to meet for coffee?” — or big, “Can I stay at your apartment for a few weeks?”

When we fear the disapproval of others, we often say yes regardless of our true feelings. In dealing with doctors or other caregivers, it’s easy to become a passive patient, afraid to say no to a suggested procedure even though we may feel ambivalent or want more time to think and gather more information.

The fact is, there are times when we want to say no but responsibilities require us to say yes. The problem occurs when saying yes becomes our automatic response, regardless of how we feel. Consider the high price saying yes in both your personal and professional relationships.

• It’s stressful. Holding in feelings of anger or frustration while smiling and saying yes is a source of unnecessary tension and bad for your physical and emotional health.
• It’s confusing. Others will read the true message in your body language, tone of voice, or energy level. They will be unsure of what you are really saying and question your trustworthiness.
• It’s undermining to yourself. By saying yes when you mean no, you give up control over what goes on in your own life. This diminishes self-esteem and over time feeds guilt, self-hatred, resentment, and depression.
• It’s disempowering to others. When you assume others will be upset or fall apart because you say no, you are perceiving them as victims, unable to care for themselves or source the help they need elsewhere. While on occasion this may be so, more often, it is not the case. Genuine friendship or colleagueship cannot grow from a weak foundation.
• It’s often at the cost of pursuing your own dreams, visions and ambitions.

Learning to Say No

This week, notice when you reply, “Yes,” when you actually want to say, “No,” note how you feel.

Perhaps by the end of the week — if not before — you will consider learning to say, “No!” 

Saying no is not easy if a lifetime of ambivalent yes saying has preceded it. Keep in mind that saying no does not mean being nasty, cold, or arrogant. No is simply no, and can be said with kindness and respect.

To practice saying no, start with matters of small consequence and work up to bigger ones. Here are some ideas that may be helpful:

• Practice. In front of the mirror or with a friend. Experiment with different phrases that feel natural to you. Some examples are:
  • “No thank you, but thank you for asking.”
  • “Doing that would require more (time, work, money) than I’m able to spend right now.”
  • “I’ve decided to cut back on my outside commitments in order to put more time into my (home life, school work, relationship with my spouse, etc.).”
• Write it out. In simple sentences, write the clear “no” message that you may be afraid to verbalize. Use this script when you need to call someone to say, “No,” or practice before meeting in person. For example: “I realize that you need help on this project and it’s a great project, but I have other priorities right now requiring my attention. Good luck in getting other volunteers.” Avoid apologizing. Practice your script until it feels natural to you.
• Examine your time. Look at how you currently spend your time and energy. Determine which activities no longer support your wellbeing. Make a list of “no mores” and post it where you will see it often. Check off one or two of the ones you could most easily drop and plan take action to eliminate them right away.

Think back to the last time you wanted to say no but didn’t. Recall with as much detail as you can, your feelings about that situation. Forgive yourself for any lack of honesty. Decide if you can remedy that situation by saying no right now. If not now, reaffirm your intention to say no when appropriate in the future.